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In the spirit of their leaving!

Submitted by Leslie on Mon, 2024-05-20 05:58

These giants among mortals
I grew up listening to them play and sing

I'd sit up late at night
trying to imitate their thing

They were more than just men
they were rock stars so to speak

I was mesmerized by their playing
it had a profound affect on me

Jimmy Page and Jeff Beck, among others
played music I could keep

Songs that carried me through hard times
too hard to bare then it seemed!

These giants whom I worshipped
are becoming an endangered species

But their legacy lives on
for all the world to see

Nearly gone, but not forgotten
Their memory I will keep!

Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Last few words: 
When I was twenty in 1984 I developed a mental illness. The music of these and many others carried me beyond the shadows. It gave me life where was none and continues to do so.
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Mon, 2024-05-20 12:00

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "In the Spirit of Their Leaving" effectively employs the theme of admiration and nostalgia for music icons. However, there are several areas where the poem could be improved.

1. Imagery: While the poem does a good job of expressing admiration for the musicians, it could benefit from more vivid imagery. Instead of just stating that the speaker was "mesmerized by their playing," perhaps describe what it was about the playing that was so mesmerizing.

2. Consistency in Rhyme Scheme: The poem starts with a clear AABB rhyme scheme, but this pattern is not maintained throughout. This inconsistency can be disorienting for the reader. If a rhyme scheme is to be used, it should be consistent throughout the poem or vary in a way that serves the poem's overall structure and meaning.

3. Punctuation and Capitalization: The poem lacks consistent punctuation and capitalization, which can make it difficult for the reader to follow the intended rhythm and emphasis of the lines. For example, the line "too hard to bare then it seemed!" would benefit from a comma after "bare" to clarify the intended pause.

4. Word Choice: The word "affect" in the line "it had a profound affect on me" should be "effect," as "affect" is typically used as a verb and "effect" as a noun.

5. Show, Don't Tell: The poem could benefit from more "showing" rather than "telling." Instead of stating that the musicians are "giants among mortals," show this through descriptions of their actions or the reactions they inspire in others.

6. Line Breaks: The line breaks in the poem seem arbitrary and do not contribute to the poem's rhythm or meaning. Consider revising the line breaks to enhance the poem's musicality or to emphasize key ideas or images.

7. Emotional Depth: The poem could delve deeper into the speaker's emotional connection to the musicians and their music. Instead of simply stating that the songs "carried me through hard times," the poem could explore what those hard times were and how exactly the music helped.

8. Theme Development: The theme of the musicians becoming an "endangered species" is introduced late in the poem. This idea could be developed further and introduced earlier to add depth and complexity to the poem.

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