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Bar room fight!

Submitted by Leslie on Sun, 2024-05-26 06:33

I had a friend, Neanderthal
he stood about six foot high
I met him at the do-drop inn
on a sultry Saturday night
his mind was sharp, his hands were fast
intelligence in his eyes
his art was hapkido
a black belt by his side
the evening hot and sultry
his bullet-bike just outside
a cowboy to be reckoned with
stepped up with him to vie
the night was hot, the din increased
within the little dive
when in a flash he grabbed my friend
a full nelson he applied
against the bar room wall
my friend gave out a cry
walked up the wall, over the top
and flipped him with a sigh
with raging fist he struck him twice
and blackened both of his eyes
stood tall with pure contempt
sped off into the night!

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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-05-26 12:33

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Bar room fight!" presents a vivid narrative of a confrontation in a bar, using a range of descriptive language to create a sense of atmosphere and tension. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved.

Firstly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm or meter. The irregularity of the line lengths and syllable counts can make the poem feel disjointed and disrupt the flow of the narrative. Establishing a more consistent rhythm could help to make the poem more engaging and easier to read.

Secondly, the poem uses a lot of adjectives and adverbs ("sultry Saturday night", "hot and sultry", "raging fist"), which can sometimes detract from the power of the narrative. Consider using more concrete imagery and sensory details to convey the atmosphere and emotions of the scene.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from more development of the characters and their motivations. The reader learns a lot about the physical attributes of the friend ("Neanderthal", "six foot high", "sharp mind", "fast hands"), but not much about his personality or why he gets into a fight. Developing the characters more fully could add depth to the narrative and make the poem more engaging.

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Geezer

Sun, 2024-05-26 12:19

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‏enjoyed the marching, almost rap-sounding beat, but it falters at:
"the evening hot and sultry
his bullet-bike right outside"
That is where it bumps and sways along.
The theme is great, sounds like something that "Killer" would do.
don't hurry the end, come up with a real bar-fight!

If it's not for a contest, I rarely let my story be too rushed.
"Killer" is one of my characters, and there are numerous works here on the site.
Feel free to borrow ideas, but stop short of plagiarism, okay?
Try and fix the ending? ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Leslie

Sun, 2024-05-26 13:08

Leslie's picture

Actually this was a real barfight. It really happened!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

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