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All that I need!

Submitted by Leslie on Sun, 2024-05-19 06:01

Fitfully flailing on an unruly sea
Please acknowledge my humble plea!
My only desire is to be free
Released from this uncanny ride raging within the deep
The depths of my mind which all too often reaps
The fruit of abject insanity
Engaged in my own soul's untimely defeat
Please come forward and comfort me!
Do not forsake or leave me alone
Your presence requested to make me complete
Your love and acceptance are all that I need!

Review Request (Intensity): 
Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing stage: 
Editing - rough draft
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-05-19 12:02

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "All that I need!" presents a vivid picture of emotional turmoil and a longing for acceptance and love. The use of metaphors such as "unruly sea" and "raging within the deep" effectively convey the speaker's inner chaos. However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and rhyme scheme to enhance its musicality and flow.

The plea for help and acceptance is a universal theme that many readers can relate to. However, the poem could delve deeper into the speaker's personal experiences or unique perspectives to make it more engaging and distinctive.

The final lines of the poem, "Your love and acceptance / are all that I need!" are a strong conclusion, directly addressing the poem's central theme. However, the poem could explore this theme more thoroughly and complexly throughout its body, rather than just stating it outright at the end.

The poem could also benefit from more varied and unexpected language. While the metaphors used are effective, they are also somewhat common. Experimenting with more unusual or specific imagery could make the poem more memorable and impactful.

Overall, the poem has a strong emotional core and effectively uses metaphor to convey its themes. With some refinement in rhythm, depth of exploration, and language, it could become even more powerful.

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Geezer

Sun, 2024-05-19 08:48

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intrigued by the on and off again rhyme scheme.
The rhythm seems to be off by just a bit, because there are lines that seem to start a new line before the previous line has finished.
This why I would incorporate full-stops at the conclusion of each line; or perhaps pay just a bit more attention to upper and lower-case letters,
and where they are placed. All-in-all I was struck by the genuine plea of understanding, and compassion. Nicely done. ~ Geez.
.

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Leslie

Sun, 2024-05-19 17:11

Leslie's picture

I made an attempt to make this more readable. Maybe you have time to comment on what you see. Thanks for the positive take on it.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

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Geezer

Wed, 2024-05-22 09:30

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With the many [ee] sounds in a near rhyme piece,
I find that the one line that ends with [alone], seems to stand out
and kind of clang with the rest of the work.
"Do not forsake or leave me alone."
I think that you can safely delete that line without compromising the next two lines, which note that
you need the presence of your lover.

~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Lavender

Tue, 2024-05-21 13:29

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Hello, Leslie,
This seems like a plea to oneself for strong affirmation and gentle guidance. I think we can all relate at some point. Life can be so trying. I feel the rage and the doubt. I might offer a few suggestions:
- remove the second "only" in the third line
- all "too" often reaps ("to" should be "too")
- engaged in my own soul's untimely defeat (possessive punctuation)

This is so powerful. I have read several times and feel its depth more each time.
Thank you!
L

Leslie

Wed, 2024-05-22 07:11

Leslie's picture

You are always so kind! Your suggestions made it much better! Thanks!

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

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