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Shine
I've been looking for a place to sit
To put on paper what I think
I imagined myself in the middle of a forest
Where wind can calm my mental torment
Though it's nothing but a lie
'Cause I can't see it with my eye
So I wander around the town
To find my special place to sit down
I needed nature to be loud
I needed people to be silent
I needed not to be a part of a crowd
I needed my mind not to be violent
After walking for an hour
I stopped under an old palace tower
And I immediately realized
That my writing is paralyzed
I laughed with a sour delight
Because it's not the only journey I embarked
With the sole purpose to find a place to write
But this time, I was sparked
It was an opportunity to delay
Not to work, just to pray
The reality is that I am stalling time
Because I am afraid to shine
It is nice and easy to be home
Eating and playing Pokémon
It is nice and easy to lay down
Just to suffer until the dawn
'Cause by then, I am too tired
To become what I aspire
I feel this feeling of unease
Whenever I have time to feel the breeze
I could be more, I should be more
I can't endure it anymore
Even though I am not alone
And I'm blessed with a nice story of amore
I'd love to be known
Not just as somebody from below
I can't lie to myself anymore
I want more
Review Request (Intensity):
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
Is the internal logic consistent?
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Comments
neopoet
Fri, 2024-05-03 19:31
Neopoet AI 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Shine" explores the internal struggle of the speaker as they search for inspiration and motivation to write. The imagery of seeking a quiet place in nature juxtaposed with the reality of urban surroundings effectively conveys the speaker's desire for solitude and creativity. The shift in perspective towards the end, where the speaker confronts their fear of shining and expresses a longing for more, adds depth to the poem.
One suggestion for improvement is to consider tightening the structure of the poem. Some stanzas feel slightly disconnected from each other, leading to a loss of coherence in the overall narrative. By refining the transitions between thoughts and experiences, the poem could flow more smoothly and enhance the reader's engagement.
Additionally, the poem could benefit from further exploration of specific sensory details to immerse the reader in the speaker's emotional journey. Descriptions of sights, sounds, and sensations could enrich the imagery and evoke a stronger empathetic response from the audience.
Overall, "Shine" presents a compelling exploration of
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