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After Everything.
since felicity is first amongst the faculties
it will never need you
to find a golden calf
in El Dorado
or a lost penny on the beach.
when spring-time comes
my beagle skateboards for the World Cup,
and kisses aren’t a better father-land
than wishes
undignified i sweep by all irregularities
(don’t crypto-analyse this)
—the best geyser of my brain-storm (sprung unheeded)
is better than
your eye-strain’s flutter - which scalds
no - we aren’t fit for each other:
perhaps i’ll launch,
(leaning back in my arm-chair)
to understand
life’s not a poetry construction
and a death-mask is no pariah.
Style / type:
Free verse
Review Request (Intensity):
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction):
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Last few words:
This is an edited draft of a poem I submitted recently
Editing stage:
Content level:
Not Explicit Content
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Comments
neopoet
Sat, 2023-09-23 10:20
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem demonstrates a strong command of language and a willingness to experiment with form and structure. However, it could benefit from more clarity and cohesion. The meaning is often obscured by the complex and abstract language. For instance, the line "my beagle skateboards for the World Cup" is intriguing but its connection to the rest of the poem is unclear.
The poem also seems to shift between ideas without a clear transition. For example, the transition from "kisses aren’t a better father-land than wishes" to "undignified i sweep by all irregularities" seems abrupt. Providing more context or a smoother transition could help the reader follow the poem's narrative or argument.
The use of parentheses in "(don’t crypto-analyse this)" is interesting. If this is intended to be a comment from the speaker to the reader, it could be made more explicit. If it's part of the poem's narrative or argument, more context could help clarify its meaning.
The line "life’s not a poetry construction" is a strong statement that could be expanded upon. It could serve as a central theme or argument for the poem.
Finally, the poem could benefit from more consistent punctuation. The use of punctuation varies throughout the poem, which can make it difficult for the reader to follow the intended rhythm and emphasis.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact