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'59 Plymouth...

Submitted by Geezer on Sun, 2024-05-19 11:35

For sale: 1959 Plymouth 4-dr. Blk. with red interior.
318 V-8, with 4bbl. auto-transmission
65, 000 mi. needs new battery and tune-up
Clear title, no liens - $65.00 firm.

It was love at first sight,
long, dark and intriguing
just a little bit rusted,
she said, to me screaming,

"Take me home sweetheart
You won't be sorry"
I forked over the loot,
my eyes were all starry.

A scrub and a tune-up
new battery 'n more
derusted and painted
mended holes in the floor

I learned all her tricks
we went everywhere
We had many adventures
and I've stories to share

We parted at last,
too tired was she
I traveled long distance
I set her free...

To a little old lady,
I gave her away
They both went to heaven
the very next day.

Old blinded eyes,
in the sun's setting glare
couldn't see the new sign
the Bridge Out, Beware

An untimely demise
for both, I'm afraid
The '59 Plymouth
and the little old maid.

Style / type: 
Structured: Western
Review Request (Intensity): 
I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Workshop: 
Earn A Poem Workshop 1
Contest: 
05/24 My First Car
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content
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Comments

neopoet

Sun, 2024-05-19 17:40

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The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem '59 Plymouth' presents a narrative that is clear and easy to follow. The use of colloquial language and the casual tone of the poem effectively convey the speaker's personal connection to the car. The narrative arc is well-structured, with a clear beginning, middle, and end.

However, there are a few areas that could be improved. The transition from the car's advertisement to the speaker's personal experience is abrupt. The poem could benefit from a smoother transition to help maintain the flow of the narrative.

The poem could also benefit from more vivid and varied imagery. While the description of the car and the speaker's experiences with it are clear, they could be more engaging if they were more detailed and used more sensory language.

The ending of the poem is surprising and adds an interesting twist to the narrative. However, it feels a bit rushed. The poem could benefit from more development of this part of the story, to give the reader a better understanding of the events and their impact on the speaker.

Finally, the poem's rhythm and meter are inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Working on the meter could improve the poem's rhythm and make it more enjoyable to read.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Mon, 2024-05-20 09:26

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look at the meter and see if I might make some improvements. As for adding to the details, this is a tight narrative, which requires a short and limited number of lines. ~ Geezer.
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author comment

Leslie

Sun, 2024-05-19 17:18

Leslie's picture

What a cool car, probably could fly and nearly indestructible to boot. Great writing. My buddy had a ford galaxy that was similar only it was white.

The power of our language can and will change the world.
Successively until our languages become one!

Geezer

Mon, 2024-05-20 08:55

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pretty near indestructible! She took all the punishment of a first-time driver, and I loved to drive. I put about eighty thousand more miles on her odometer. [BTW, the story's ending was made up, I did give her away, to my friend's mother, and they didn't die together]. Thanks for your read and comments. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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Alex Tanner

Mon, 2024-05-20 05:39

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She wasn't called 'Christine' by any chance. Alex

Geezer

Mon, 2024-05-20 09:08

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her name was "Her". Judy, my then wife, didn't like her much at first, and referred to the car as IT! I wouldn't refer to her as an it, and eventually, my wife became friends with Her. Thanks for the read and comment. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Candlewitch

Mon, 2024-05-20 08:11

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I had a Green Galaxy 500. she handled like a boat... the love of my life was a turquoise '67 GTO (Goat) I love the poem...your style shines through!

*hugs, Cat

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Geezer

Mon, 2024-05-20 09:18

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had a Galaxy 500! '63, Bronze color, with brown interior. I made numerous changes to it and it was called "Wild Thing".
Had it painted on the rear fenders in multi-colored letters. Actually, was my second car. Thank you for the read and comments.
~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

author comment

Lavender

Tue, 2024-05-21 13:38

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Hello, Geezer,
Wonderful poem! So glad the ending didn't really happen! I can believe she truly spoke to you - this is the way our first cars came to be ours. Mine was a 64 Ford Galaxie - white with red interior. So many fond memories! Thank you for this! Really enjoyed!
L

Geezer

Wed, 2024-05-22 08:50

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a '64 Galaxie, [thank you for reminding me of the proper spelling of Galaxie], white with red interior. I am glad that you enjoyed this piece; it was a pleasure to hear that so many of us had such great memories of our first cars. I have had a love of all my cars and can remember some details and stories about all of them. Maybe we can do this again sometime. Thanks again, for letting me know how much you liked this one. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
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author comment

William Lynn

Mon, 2024-05-27 10:17

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Well, that was a fun read.

Somehow the fins, oh those fins, were involved in the joy of ownership. Christine would be so proud of your achievements and they don't have to be real! Best Wishes, Will

Geezer

Mon, 2024-05-27 13:25

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Yes, those fins! I had a couple with fins. The '59 Plymouth, and a '57 Chrysler Imperial. Lots of fins and rocket-taillights. In those days, everywhere you looked, the road was full of big, old cars. I've written a couple of my first cars into some of my poems. Why not? They are retro cool. Thanks for the read and comments. ~ Geezer.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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