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The Opposite of Toil

Submitted by Michael Anthony on Fri, 2024-05-03 09:43

She was never like work. In fact,
she was like walking up to an amusement park
with crazy-colorful signs, always promising excitement.

Like cotton candy too; maybe a little messy,
but always better to have it, regardless
of the colorful disarray others may see.

Review Request (Intensity): 
I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Review Request (Direction): 
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Editing stage: 
Editing - polished draft
Contest: 
Neopoet Weekly Contest 04/28/24 to 05/04/24
Content level: 
Not Explicit Content

Comments

Geezer

Fri, 2024-05-03 10:11

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I thought that this must surely be about a woman!
There are few other things that could elicit such a response from a man as you.
Unless, maybe it was a sleek, red car, powerful motor...
If it is... about a woman; I don't understand the title.
I thouroghly enjoyed this, as it brought to mind, the thrill of being smitten.
She was a combination of all the women I've ever dated or chased.
~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Michael Anthony

Fri, 2024-05-03 10:28

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Thanks Geez! Def about a woman. The title was a play on the first line - the opposite of toil is no work, if you will.

Best

Michael Anthony

author comment

Geezer

Fri, 2024-05-03 10:56

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on the title. I think that you can do better. Carnival Heart?
~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

Michael Anthony

Fri, 2024-05-03 11:02

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A little too obvious for me, I think, but we all can do better, to be sure.

Best

Michael Anthony

author comment

Geezer

Fri, 2024-05-03 11:08

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I agree, a little too obvious and trite. Anyway, just trying to help, didn't mean to sound condescending. ~ Geez.
.

There is value to commenting and critique, tell us how you feel about our work.
This must be the place, 'cause there ain't no place like this place anywhere near this place.

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